Hollow

A Rough Start.

It is always a rough start. 

This is a personal story and a personal complaint. And at this point, I just post these things online to just to vent my kept feelings and let them be in existence. Post them on somewhere where people around me don't know of, where I can freely write things I thought and felt and wished.

I hope there isn't anyone who come to stumble upon these stuffs. Tho it's nothing famous or anything, it's still on the internet so there is still a chance of it.

This is going to be a really ugly, disoriented essay. Bear yourself.

Anyway, today I felt really hollow, empty inside of me.

I am in a foreign country at the moment, still adjusting to the new environment and am on a 2 weeks-quarantine, making things slightly distant. I do have friends here. No, actually I don't really know if they are my real friends or not. I just talked to them from time to time but then I would feel really left out on the conversations (both online and offline when we sometimes accidentally meet). Well, I wouldn't mind at all going out to lunch and doing other normal stuffs alone, but not when we are together, I don't think they deliberately ignore me or anything (tho this thought did pass through my mind several times before), I think they just feel more comfortable with some people than the others. Too bad, it seems like I am those 'others'.

I know I am a normal human being. I need to be part of a social connection. Or at least that's what I thought of as a social creature. 

I can argue that I did actively try to participate in making connections, it's just feel stupid for me doing all the hard work (maybe others do try, but I felt it's only one-sided thing). 

Idk anymore smh.

Oh, well, that's it for today's rant I guess...